The Jury

There Is No Poetry After F----

2008-10-24T21:10:00.000-07:00

The jury's out
And it doesn't look like they're coming back.
Not only is it not fair
it's not just.
How is anything to be accomplished?!
I don't think that's the moral of this story.
Morals require standards.
No one involved has any.
This is probably just the wrong bar.
Used for more then coming to get drunk.
Too much talking, not enough noise.
Or maybe I'm the one that's too low?

I have to get out!
Looks can kill,
and every eye is pointed at me.
Lines of sight
Severing my lifelines.
Even her silhouette can cut me to pieces.
Everywhere I turn it's creeping up from the shadows.
Surrounding me.
No cry of help would do any good.
A lamp flickers.
The silhouettes are washed away in the black tide.
The lamp flickers again,
and keeps flickering.
Dots and dashes
A signal for help?
FEFK
... It means nothing
Lot's of thing's don't...

I'll never smile again.
A crack in the barricade where the barbarians rush in
destroying everything you have to offer,
show
hide
There is no hiding.
I'll keep my eyes low.
Show no interest in anything.
Especially those that show interest in me.
My world is the ground I'm standing on.
Because that's what's going to catch me when I fall.

Meanings don't have feelings behind them
(unfortunately) feelings have many meanings.
It's easy to assign them the wrong post
Easy to let them get carried away
Hard to be rid of them.

I took a ring,
and to it I put
feeling and
meaning.
I put it on your finger.
You took my meaning and feeling.
I put on a smile.
It didn't last.
I put on another.
It took a lot more then I thought
But I keep the charade up very well.

Fickle
rhymes with love.
The jury's vote was unanimous.

jester

2008-10-18T20:46:00.000-07:00

Don't you see the humor in it?

The poor fool!

How she has him hurt.
How she has him hurt himself.

A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

What a sap,
What a clown!
What a fool,
What a stooge.

Funny.

The look on his face. Like a dumb dog.
A dog in a cage.
A dog has more sense then him.

A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Look at him cry.
Look at him tremble and weep.
Look at him,
then look at her.

What a laugh!

A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

2008-09-23T23:25:00.000-07:00

Woman.
Through the rainbow haze I reach out to you
And you're always there
In one form or another,

Skinny stray
Outside of my gate.
I'll pet you for a minute or so.

Yellow shirt.
It's so funny
isn't it?

Something removed.
Something replaced.
R&R
Keep it alive forever. It does,
doesn't it?

Silence. Even silence is part of the equation.
I should tell you now.
Before I lose the words forever

I love you.

2008-09-21T19:19:00.000-07:00

Is this all there is?

Looking in the mirror to prepare yourself for the day ahead
Your eyes are the only eyes you see all day.

The only person you know a smudged reflection.

But, practice!

"You'll never know who'll notice your smile."

(am i trying to impress myself?)

When you boil it down you're left with just the quiet.
When you dust if off you're left with an empty space.
When you cut away tall grass
cut
cut away
cut in a smile
Smile :)

"You never know who'll notice your smile."

Is this all there is?

2008-09-21T19:16:00.000-07:00

Lights mock me.
Teasing
taunting

False promises!
intangible blankets

It's almost like something's there.
Something warm, and alive.

They smile widest in the emptiest places
Where only you are
to toy with you
remind you
crack your sanity

Litter the landscape with waypoints
and extinguish when you approach

Smolder in front of you.

Meet you again somewhere else

To show you what?!

That all they are is nothing.

2008-08-10T13:35:00.000-07:00

They grow
And twist
AND reach their way into whatever empty space there is.

The echoes haunt me more then the ghosts.
The last note ringing long and low.
You can't pull the covers back and have the light scare them away.
Singing
Chanting
The music plays softly
throughout the night.
Floating through the empty space.
Behind the veil I feel them staring
But not at me.
With careful steps I colonize the darkness.
Fill the empty space.
It fills me.
Calls to me.
Never stops calling.

Ixtab, is that you?

SStar

2008-05-01T22:34:00.000-07:00

I wrote you a letter
and put it under something they'd never look under.

It's as low as you can get,
and though they'll never find it
Neither will you.

We crossed paths, once.

I was spinning in place.
You shot by.

We were meant to be together
No,
nothing is meant to be.
Things just happen.

some don't.

I'll never forget what you looked like as you shot by.
Don't forget what I look like, spinning in place.

2008-02-07T23:07:00.000-08:00

i breathed in, just at that moment when you were unzipping and saw more of the truth then I should have

images

float before my eyes

i lay on the bed in ruins, no spark of life flickering in the dark

i try and piece together fragmented memories -
something to resemble a life

but lying on the bed, destroyed, gives me no
ability,
power,
outlet

to do this.

all that i am lies around me
destroyed

The House Where Bad Luck Lives

2008-02-03T10:47:00.000-08:00

What hath God wrought?
was asked from one room to another.

Assuming God had any hand in this.
Let alone any hands at all.

No.
No god.

This house of cards is on its solitarie way.
And with one awkward graze, it fell to pieces.

A game for one.
Only one would play, anyway.

One by one I saw them fall.
And here they are. Lined up in front.

Right in front of me. Miles and miles away.

A long collection of negatives and positives that add up to nothing.

It's what you make it, right?

Like a party.
Short, loud.
forgotten a week later.

But they were here.
The mess left behind is proof.

Her.
She said we'd never not be friends
Not being the only true word.

Him.
They.
The others.
Guzzling.
Consuming.
... tired

Tired of sweeping the porches
Cleaning the gutters
Inviting over all the good friends and acquaintances
Because like any party everyone leaves when the good stuff is gone
and you're left to clean up the mess.

The radio is still on, but the music has long stopped.

But she
she remains.

Turn off the radio
approach
say..
say what?

"i love you"?
and then what?
you love me?

Nay.
Nay she say.

horse bitch!

the sentiments
echo through the sediments

echo back
To the narcissus
too infatuated with his own infatuation
to notice how far gone everything is

Maybe there'll be an after party?
(not while you're busy cleaning up your own vomit..)

Dirty
Dirty Dirty dirty
DIRTY

The mirror or the reflection?

Covered with the things you couldn't keep down
then had to clean up.

No good party goes without a cleanup.
All good parties go.

All go..
Home
To their warm, loving homes.
I'll go.
Please,
let me go?

Nay,
she say.
Nay.

But that's okay.
I've thrown up everything smooth I had to say.
Everything goes that way.

OUT
DOWN
Away.

Please do stay.

Nay,
she say.
NAY.

though she say anything at all

This house is big enough for two.

So bliebe hier!
Hielige Braut.

When I wake with eyes full of tears
I pray to find you 'mongst my peers
So when I die from a poison of my own
You'll have the seat upon my throne.

the dogs in the kennels have died.
in the front is the barren dirt pit
which used to be a yard.
As I look to the sun setting behind
the tree in the back I LOOK BACK
at the house
cold, even on the outside.

As I presumed.
It is what it is,
not what you make it.

I Understand

2007-12-16T15:10:00.000-08:00

Yes, yes.
I know.
I understand.
It happens..
I don't know what I expected, or why I expected it.
At this point in history should we expect anything?
You'd think if there are people out there that'd kill you for the five dollars in your pocket that there'd be at least one person who'd simply keep their damn word.
But killing people is a lot more fun then speaking truthfully,
I understand.

Yes, yes.
Happy birthday?
Merry Christmas?
Unthoughtful wishes or a sick joke?
I don't celebrate Christmas and I definately don't celebrate my birthday.
So keep your empty sayings to yourself.

Yes, yes.
I know.
I understand.
It happens..
But why does it happen every time?
Surely, no one who fails this many times would try over and over again without changing?
Fooling me twice can't be a mistake.

Yes, yes.
These things happen.
I know.
But I don't understand.

The Minotaur Wins

2007-09-16T19:26:00.000-07:00

Into the labyrinth
deep as it is old
Cold marble walls occupy the darkness

Lying in wait
it's beating heart
The beast

Which must be slain
'lest it consume the world.

It was not built to be beat.
It was built to beat
To triumph
over all audacious enough to challenge it.

The groups fell fastest
bickering and loud

The lone adventurers all fell
or ran
Ran back to the world they left
Ran back a stranger
a coward
Ran back to die slowly alone, in the light.
Rather than quickly in the dark.

What of them?
I could not say.

I chose, as well, to enter alone.

For what good is a companion?
Flesh and blood that fear and fail.

After all I've seen of companions,
what could the gods show me now?

Nothing.

So into nothing I venture.

To find
nothing?
I do not know.
I do know there is nothing to find out here.

So in I go.
Deeper
and deeper.

Spiraling
backwards and
forwards, sideways
and upside down.

Every turn I take the world seems to get colder.
And the beating heart gets louder but further away.

A slash,
and a loss.
The beast gets a part of me
But I get a sense of it.

Through endless rights and lefts I battle.
I battle for the answers while only feeling the questions.
I battle for my life as I hunger and thirst and bleed.
I battle for my prize as the beast takes two more steps every half step I take.

Years of dead ends and lost battles.
But the end is near, for I feel the questions running out
the beast running away
the heart beating faster.

And there!
I find it.

Far from them,
them
from me!

What could they ever know of a fight like this?
of the dangers and loss
the loss
that could never be known any other way

That isn't talked about in fairy tales or stories of lore.

And triumph,
triump over the beast
that beast that stands before me

and without hesitation cuts me down.

Flesh and blood that fails.

Bench Seat Table

2007-09-03T09:55:00.000-07:00

Dreams?
Tired and sick,
restlessness induces fantasies which force me to sleep.

With a rough, guiding hand I am lead to a library.

You're crying. In your yellow shirt.
At a table by yourself.

He turned you down.
Rejected your love.
Rejected you.
And all I breathe and say can barely stop your tears from flowing.
But they stop.

We talk.
Although my words could never make you see a rejecting by another is a relfection on their character, not on your own.

Others join us.
Their faces do not stay.

Until she...
My favorite.
Your cousin.

She joins us with cryptic talk and silly antics.
Apologizing for the lack of communication
(although the apology pains within me).

Joyous
My two close friends.
Albeit joyous only in dreams.

When, suddenly-

Wearing my gloves!
Holding my hand!

Your sadness returns
Eyes
Overflowing
with tears.

I can see myself in them.

And your cousin remains stony and silent once more.
A statue left over from a past life.
Displaying my arrogance,
listlessness,
helplessness

Say something; anything - if any kindness beat in you at all.

...
Nothing is said.

When I wake
horrified
mesmerised
scrutinized

I still see you sitting alone at the table.

Tree of Stone

2007-08-24T13:02:00.000-07:00

Burnt into stone
faces of horror
Screaming silent forever
when I close my eyes.

A calm spreads over me
covering, not warming.

Too soon I'm rendered
immobile. Helpless.
Useless. Relaxed.

Through the euphoria
and senseless moments
a gnawing tick grows
stronger in the back
of my mind.

Maddening,
Stronger then the herb
and the cognac
And becoming stronger
because of it.

Paradise is lost
When the foul worm
dismisses my counterfeit
sensations.

Mere illusions,
though grand.

No fruit does
that tree bear;
so what from
it do I eat?
And what keeps me
coming back for more?

The shade is faulty,
and magnifies the sun.

The bark is rough
and odorous, too
harsh to be enjoyed.

The leaves only
flitter when they've
lulled you to
content, knowing
that they've kept
you their's another day.

The facesin the stone
stay with me there,
though faintly
and in the back
of my mind.

Kept alive because
I cannot cast the
stone to the stones,
but rather cast myself.

Under the trees I ran,
to take a break from
my exodus.

To take a break.

Because I broke.

And I am
stepping on my chest
to stay safe,
rather then my head
to climb higher.

I wish I could say
I was getting
higher and higher;
not just
higher and higher.

Pinprick

2007-08-22T12:09:00.000-07:00

Stuck
With a needle
That broke off in the skin.

When he looked down all he saw was blood.
Oozing and warm.
Foreign and captivating.

Did the blood cause that sensation?
Surely it did, for nothing else is there.

His dripping blood.
A faceless mass whose only hope at identity is to pour out in as big a group as possible.
To be recognized for certain traits
is the only way it'll receive recognition at all.

Years later, when he looked again,
he saw the broken tip of the needle in his skin.

A sudden feeling of loss and revulsion came over him.
Scorching hatred filled his heart when he pulled the needle from his skin and some blood dared to hang on to it;
but the feeling quickly passed to apathy.

The needle was discarded.

A Gain

2007-08-15T10:41:00.000-07:00

Take me
Back
Then forward
Into the valley of the Dolls
Whose faces never age
Older then time, more limitless then space
Nothing divided into sixties or
latitude/longitude could displace the clearness
An open blue sky
poignant
Clear
intelligence seemed
But ignorance reigns
pours
Washing all things clean
Then washing them away.
Clearing the landscape
then saturating it into muck.

Taken away
for granted
Lead quietly in broad daylight
Shackled with
Responsibility, not
Chains
That cause him to stall
So he never has to try
Because things that never
Happen hurt you the least
Unless they happened without you.

So tears fall for tyranny
Souls fall for consolation
We fall while weeping.
Weak
Weak ends
Waste strong means
All is well that ends well;
but when does it really end?

Yesterday is over, but it carries on today.
So, since nothing ends
is nothing well?
Or can a maxim be wrong?

No,
for then there'd be no valley of the dolls,
no here,
no me.

Do you know me?
Or do you see a face with something you don't know?
A face from a dream.

I had a dream.
It died when I awoke.

Immoderate You

2007-08-13T15:48:00.000-07:00

Pictures plastered on all the walls
Designs as obscene and sloppy as graffiti
What is their purpose?

For you to remember
And for us to live surrounded by your triumph.
Triumph of the junque.

I swear they were etched especially for me
Their following eyes.
Curved smiles.
always always always
smiling. staring. fake.

I'd ask you to be my Jada,
if you only knew what it meant.

I'd scratch it on your face on all these walls.
Smiling with you, forever.

Until you replace them.
Make them bigger, grander, prodigious.

Towering over everything I do.
Even though it shouldn't and doesn't directly effect me
It's always there!
And the shadow I live in because of it takes away more then the suns light.

Slant 6

2007-08-12T19:37:00.000-07:00

Something's missing.
Can't you hear the strain?

We shouldn't be running this until it's fixed.

The pain I'm causing this poor machine is killing me inside.
But I've got to keep it moving.

Keep us moving

Can't stop now.
Couldn't stop then.
Can't stop ever.

I've run out of gas letting it idle this long.
I'll push this car up a hill with more vigorous lament then Sisyfus if that's what it takes, because I didn't come this far to let something so childish stop me.

Momentum will take me the rest of the way.

scummy waters

2007-07-31T10:07:00.000-07:00

We walk alone

Endlessly
Aimlessly

Through all the scum.

It greatly outnumbers us.
Sometimes it overpowers us.

But unlike us, it can do nothing.

Can't build.
Can't plan.
Can't enjoy.

A pile of scum is not an accomplishment,
it's a pile.

Don't let them convince you otherwise.

A new ending.

2007-07-25T17:48:00.000-07:00

While out of my mind
You crept into my heart
And you did your part
Laying eggs in my spine
Which hatched in short time
Causing pain in my stomach
Forcing me to plummet
And leaving me far behind.

Now I spiral down
To hit the floor
And writhe, still, more
Anguish and torment
Emotions no longer dormant
Exaggerated and unconceivable
Though warm, and believable.
The face of a clown.

V.V.

2007-07-24T12:22:00.000-07:00

She had the nerve, once, to tell me I wouldn't understand.

I felt as if she had spit in my face.

I wouldn't understand?!

No.

I might not know firsthand, or be affected the same way
But to say "I wouldn't understand"?

Why, how could I not?

How could any living, breathing human being "not understand"?

If it exists it can be understood.
If it happened, it could be understood.
What I don't understand is...

-But then it hit me.

She was the one who doesn't understand.
Who can't unwrap her own little life and expose it to the real world.
She thinks because she endured hardships she's trong
Because she sleeps around she's desirable
Because she knows a lot of people she's likeable
Because of all of the above she's special.

I wanted to tell her how much she has wasted,
but she wouldn't understand.

A long good while

2007-07-22T09:37:00.000-07:00

For the first time in a long while it's been good.

But just because two or three shots have fired successfully doesn't mean the gun won't jam now.

It needs to be oiled
and the rust removed.

Like those brave blue horses who have been running on for over forty years.

They run beautifully if they're maintained
But driving on two cylinders is like watching art burn.

Some will be more then happy to watch it burn.
Many won't care.
The fewest number of all will be those who step forward to defend it.

Because when times get good, the good shrink away.

And the blackness that stands behind the shining light
Ready to stand and fight when the good falls down
Is that much more evil because of what stood before it.

Knowing where to look
how to hide
when to strike,
and jam your gun.

For the first time in a long while it's been good.

Things don't change that quickly, if they ever change at all.
So as I look at the smiles in the mirrors
I wonder how long they'll last,
How many more shots I can squeeze out,
before the walls fall down
And the bad takes reign again.

A Bridge Too Far-Removed

2007-07-21T18:47:00.000-07:00

I see myself a bridge, suddenly aware of it's existence; aware of hovering over nothing solid, belonging to no one, walked on by others as a means to their own ends and happiness.
And I'm waiting for that day to rot one of my own planks far enough to send a group crashing down below, to drown, and grabbing at me, ripping me apart as I fail to support them any longer.
We'll all fall together.
Only the lives lost are remembered,
never the bridge.

Written while falling apart

2007-07-16T16:21:00.000-07:00

My right wrist hurts
and my left eye bleeds
and as I play nintendo trying to bury myself in some part of the past that isn't all starvation and misery
more liquor pumps through me then blood
and more THC then oxygen and
I wonder why,
while tasting my own painful, salty flesh,
birds sing their songs when no one is listening
and how they learned to sing so well.

But every time I approach the song ends and they fly away.

So why does the caged bird sing?
Because if he doesn't he'll starve and be miserable.
But misery feeds off everything,
and it's favorite meal is thoughts.

How can I love you if I don't love me?
Easy: because I am ugly and you're beautiful
and in rare moments of forced clarity the truth comes out
and is thrown to the winds where it blows away into the blackness where all the birds songs go
and only the blackness feels that warmth in it's infinite coldness,
while it can't smile
or frown
or turn upside down any of the things that have been happening to it,
It's only blackness and that it was born to be.

But, like all things it yearns to be something else,
But you can only be you and nothing else
so failure and success aren't options
only words that others place on you for you to place on yourself.
And sometimes in the morning I can still hear the bird sing so I rattle his cage to shut him up because it's too early to
Too early to.

It's too early to do anything.

I'm like a cloud floating along, forming.
Going distances but always in sight
and I block the suns rays but am much easier to look at so stare as long as you want 'cause I'll always be here but I'll never be anything.

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow

2007-07-09T13:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was too scared
To talk or look your way,
But yesterday is gone
And has no effect on today.

If today I waved and smiled
Tomorrow would we speak?
If today I made you laugh
Tomorrow would be peak?

In my past there has been pain
So presently, there is doubt,
And my future will come
With you or without.

Yesterday we shared an embrace
My heart joyed and skipped,
Yesterday did your heart
Suffer from the same trip?

If today I kissed you
Tomorrow would you run away?
If today you loved me
Tomorrow would it stay?

If all my past you learned
Presently, would you care?
Is there anything from your past
Of which I should be aware?

Yesterday passed, we went
With nothing to hear or see,
Was yesterday as much a waste
To you as to me?

If today you kissed me
Tomorrow I'd expect two more,
If today you loved me
Tomorrow I'd adore.

Our pasts no longer matter
They're a closed chapter in time,
Presently I'm deeply in love
Building a future of yours and mine.

To: (B), with empty eyes

2007-07-07T17:49:00.000-07:00

Your beauty is that of a star
That I can only admire from afar
A glamour sparkling, valiant and true
Distant, but never out of view;
When you're gone I still can see
You shining brightly, not for me.

I Wish

2007-07-05T10:04:00.001-07:00

I wish you were here to see me fall so completely apart.

But then, if you were here this wouldn't be happening.

The loose stitching and stripped screws would hold their place, and

and

I would wake to a world where the skies were blue and the grasses green.

Where your face is no longer a concealed and faded image in the mirror
Smiling at me from somewhere in time.

It'd be right here, right now.

With a clear and full view of everything before us.

But that is neither then, nor here
And neither are you.

Cost of Tuition

2007-07-04T10:55:00.000-07:00

Fix your face
Hide the confusion,

The loss

The helplessness,

As you look for something to do

Day to day
Go to school
Day to day
Go to work

Find something to pass the time
Entertain your mind

Breathe in

Wake up

Do it over again
Spinning around and around
Going nowhere

droughted mania

Eat the dust
The endless infinite same

That blows by
and through

Through to nowhere
Then back again

Through to nowhere
Then back again

Back again

Giving Up

2007-07-03T11:28:00.000-07:00

Here, maybe
My forfeited happiness won't haunt me

Taken away and placed on the top shelf where I'd need a chair to get it
because the other shelves wouldn't support my climb.

I don't need it, anyway.

I never knew I had it
So it can't be great.

It always felt like Hell inside me.

What would be the point, anyway, of owning that castle in the sky? We all know it's doomed to burn.

So let them have it.
Even if it was my only shot at joy, though brief.

There's Hell inside of me;
It wouldn't be Hell if it wasn't for eternity.

The Death

2007-07-02T12:13:00.000-07:00

I wash my hands of this town.

Rotten, and peeling.
The layers fall off at the slightest touch.

The faint, putrid lingering odor of those dead before us
under us
stays in my mind
Even as I get further and further away.

I could bear it no longer
the daily struggles and losses.
Falling back from all fronts
never looking back.

Wrestling with the demons
Always on the ground
Always losing
More and more of myself.

With a stake being forced closer and closer to my heart.
the gradual pains gave way to the big defeat

the sudden betrayal
with little bloodshed.

I could stay no longer and look at the battlegrounds
the graveyard.
Where I died and died again.

What was left of me is too weak to bear it.

Today you can have it all

2007-06-28T10:15:00.000-07:00

No, you never do want to bother us.
Disturb me.
Intrude.
But somehow you seem to always find a way to.

It's only up the street?
Only 5 dollars?
Only for today?

Stop pleading.
It's pathetic.

Stop apologizing.
It's sickening.

Stop! Just take it.
Neither one of us is going to change.

When You Left

2007-06-21T10:12:00.000-07:00

When you left
There was nothing to say
So I sat down
And cried the rest of the day

ululation

2007-06-20T11:49:00.000-07:00

when i think i'll never cry again
something happens
and warm tears pour out.
i remember
i'm only human
and all the time spent medicating
in dark rooms over glasses of rum
does nothing to make me
into the gargoyle i tell myself i am.
tears will fall because i'm cold and alone
but im not stone.

June Snow

2007-06-19T18:28:00.000-07:00

Uncomfort spreads slowly, but stays strongly
Wonder and dull pain
if I'm going in the right direction,
doing the right thing,
if my heart is in the right place

Or should I just bury my heart?

Somewhere deep and away;
I'm not afraid I'll forget.

I already feel a slow unraveling
something is getting lost
something precious
And no matter how long or thoroughly I search
I'm frightened I'll never be able to find it.

But I don't know what it is.
Or how I'm losing it.
Can you hide friendship? Hide love?
Keep them away from greedy hands?

... if they really wanted it, they'd take it. I know.
Anything can be stolen.

Taken away
(whether lost or stolen)
it's gone.

The Silly Dream

2007-06-18T11:55:00.000-07:00

It's dark everywhere
As a fog settles in on the town
A heavy fog that weighs you down
Tires you
Consumes everything in it's damp, grey film.
And, for once in a long while, I feel fear again.
I only but take a few steps before I fall into an enormous chasm.
Seperating me from where I was coming from and where I was headed.
I had to have lost the direction somewhere along the way, to end up here.
The fog is thickest here;
palpable
It's wetness is sickly and thick.
Dark and overpowering-
I should've waited til the fog cleared before I kept moving.

Cougar

2007-06-17T07:50:00.001-07:00

One day, I sought out a cougar
And told him to get a real job.
Stalking and ambushing are not reliable and reasonable
And he would be much better off if he did.
The cougar stared blankly at me, then replied:
"I cannot make my nature second nature."
And he walked away.

The Form He Took

2007-06-16T16:50:00.000-07:00

Peering
so cautiously
so emptily
At all who flutter about him.

Wearing the same reluctant smile I always see him wearing
A vague outline of what you remember
fading into that fleeting darkness
that we so quickly dismiss and chase away.

A strong jaw silent of our made up languages and expressions.
Silent to our questions. Silent to the screams and pleas and offers.

Subtle features
Subtle movements
swift force.

His power lies in that innominate omnipotence
That dilutes our clear conscience and works it's poison through and trhough.
Only exposing itself when we can't fight it, don't expect it.
And all that's left is a reluctant smile on our face.

Indigo Warrior

2007-06-07T10:57:00.000-07:00

Abandoned and forgotten wastelands
Littered with the last generation's houses
Last generation's buses
Last generation's problems.

Produced from one of the countless shanty projects.
No one knows where he came from.
But everyone knows where he's headed.

Raised by those recklessly proud of the trap their legs are caught in.
Taught to take everything within his reach
Never knowing what more he could get if he freed himself from the trap.

This unwritten warriors code lead him two decades through the monotonous hopelessness of seeing your surroundings fall apart more day by day.
Lead him to hate the black and white jackals from the outside, who came to drag away uncautious ones.
Lead him to only drink flammable liquors.

When hungry, he couldn't suck the scum like all the others at the bottom
So he took what he needed to fill his stomach.
But after 20 years of borrowed meals he took 4 to the stomach he couldn't stomach
And withered into dust on the sidewalk like hundreds before him.

Another one was produced, at the same projects.
With the same hateful, pleading eyes.
Unaware of the hundreds before him
Never to leave anything after him
except another bloodstain on the pavement.

Dim Darkness

2007-06-05T12:01:00.000-07:00

One voice calls out
for someone to help
One heart pumps pain
for the voice to bleat.
Two eyes cry
warm dewy tears
Two hands hold
a head hung in defeat.

Episode

2007-06-04T11:09:00.000-07:00

Laying on the floor
In the darkness
Staring hard at the ceiling
Like the harder I stare the more things will change.

My mind is in absolute discord
Thrashing about in violent frenzies
Jumping from prbolem to person to place to pain to past to pictures.

Those horrible mental martinets that fight ferociously for domination within me.

I need someone to talk to..

No! You are weak

I am weak.
No one needs to be bothered by me.

No. I'm not weak.
I'll show you.

(the glass shards dig deep and bloody into my skin)

Ha ha ha.
I sure showed myself.

OK

2007-06-03T11:08:00.000-07:00

I forgot words could have such a painful effect.

No, they don't,
only what they mean.
And your friendly words of contempt made me realize
too many things at once
How I've hurt you.
How meaningless my apologies are.
How little I've actually changed.

Worst of all,
you made me realize how you were right.
You.
And her.
And her.

Three women I adore
But with my adoration comes a nonlethal poison
And I can't stop it from flowing out of everything I say.

I must forget myself.
Forget the past.
Forget what made me.

Put on a mask and look in the mirror every day
Until I forget my face underneath and only remember the mask.
Only then can my friendship stop hurting you.

Parts 1, 2 & 3

2007-06-02T22:02:00.000-07:00

One step in the right direction
Two steps off a ledge.

It's so hard to get it right when you're walking on an invisible path
Guessing which is the way to go
Slowly testing the grounds
Mostly narrow

Unstable.

Do you slowly and cautiously cross the unknown?
Never reaching the end and falling off somewhere in the middle.
Do you rush out?
Hoping that every step will be the right one.
Being halfway through the fall before you realize your feet are no longer touching anything.

When the path is crossed and you look back at where you've came from
What you should've done.
Where you should've gone.
What would have been best and easiest.
Do you try those on this new path?

Or do you stray from the map and try another new path into the invisible unknown?

On The Rocks

2007-06-01T23:55:00.000-07:00

Seven years of unending torment
the constant noise
day in, day out
Scrambling my mind until my head feels like a flurry of soup water and mush being pureed.

But, like a good boy, despite all that
I did as they told me and not as I felt.
This, that and the other.

Stay in school. Be polite. Don't do (these things) in public. An education brings a brighter tomorrow. You'll be happy.

No.
It didn't turn out like that.
There is no rainbow every day.
I learned. But I learned too much.
Now I feel as if I'll never be happy again.
And maturity and honesty did not pay off.

If I remember correctly, the father of foresight is condemned to eternal suffering for his good deeds.
And we all seemed to have lost the foresight to see the same fate is due to us as well.

No!
I will break my chains and wrench these venomous lying demons from out of my flesh, no matter how deep they're dug in.
Because I'll be damned if I'll be damned.

Coloring Book

2007-05-31T10:21:00.000-07:00

I see you
in your red sweater
Quietly drawing in the corner
I wonder if you're seeing what I'm seeing
Always seeing
Even while you flesh out your own notebook world.
Or if you're so entraced by colors and shades you forget us out here while you create.

It's odd
being around you.
It's not like it was before.
The more extroverted you've become
Seems to have left you a solitary soul
The lone window in a house full of guests with the curtains closed.
So carefully observant and friendly
But at the same time so cold and alone.

The light's too bright to look at from inside this hole
If we're to live in a world of darkness exterminate all light
Don't blind us with what we can't reach.
Maybe you could sketch it out
Show us some of the things we might have missed
Or would you rather pull that red sweater over your eyes and go to sleep?

Sands

2007-05-30T11:39:00.000-07:00

Together
We sit on the beach and watch the waves hit the shore
Rising and falling
The warm weather is perfectly offset by the breeze.

Your diamond eyes and light touch shine brightly against the flawless blue sky behind you.

Careless and caring. Restless and relaxed. Lucid and luminous.
Your voice means more things than there are grains of sand on our beach;

Our love as well is vast, yet siftless
It falls away as I try to hold it.
Even as it falls away it's all around me.

When I look to you
You stay without despair
and draw words of love in the sand

If a cruel wind blows them away
Or waves leave them sodden and depleted
You draw more again because nothing can chip away what we share.

I'll look into those diamond eyes
hold your warm, gracious hands
and never forget why I love you.

Fibland

2007-05-29T10:53:00.000-07:00

Behold!
The glorious kingdom of lies.
Built by countless hands over countless years.
Changing every day.

The citizens seem awkward,
even the boldest and finest will buckle and collapse when looked over long enough.
And the masks they wear are apparent and ridiculous,
but all wear them
and none notice them.

Many things that are hurtful or shameful are omitted from the papers, for the good of the public.

The buildings range from subtle, to grand
The best are subtly grand
So ingeniously and effortlessly laid out that they become part of the land itself.

But with all the grace and grandeur it is only still a lie.
And the ugliest of truths stands stronger and prouder.

I Quit

2007-05-28T10:16:00.000-07:00

When I awoke today nothing seemed changed
The world was just the way I left it only 6 hours older.
As I went to my job to quit the place seemed strange,
Either the employees were scared or I was bolder.

As the day went by, I noticed something askew
Or maybe just a trick of my mind;
As if the sky were no longer blue
Or if all things were due to unwind.

I had to run, quick! down the stairs!
Escape to my car, a makeshift shrine.
The world of yesterday is forever theirs
This world of today will always be mine.

Lost Letters

2007-05-27T08:58:00.000-07:00

I search through it all again.
My eyes feverishly darting back and forth
searching for some grouping of words that
should have magically appeared by now.
The words that will cure me of this mania
Give me, if only a moments, relief to the
headlong collision I received into this dead end.
But everything I read is only mad babblings
I have written before.
Nothing new. Nothing from somebody else.
No line from the outside world. No escape.

Wine Colored Curtains

2007-05-26T09:15:00.000-07:00

Sunk into my chair
Emotion mellowing with the wine
The minutes ache by,
Waiting for slumber to come.

A hand places itself on my shoulder
Has sleep come without me knowing?
What is happening? Who is there?
I look, and my questions change.

What is there? How is this happening?
Death stares down at me
His eyes eternal blackness
What is in them I can't decipher.

He doesn't speak, but I rise
He slowly but decisively walks to the door
He holds it open for me
But doesn't come in after me.

I'm in a party, a masquerade
The guests don't notice me
Even though I'm not wearing a costume
Or because of it.

I move about them unnoticed
Watching as they dance
To their own music
Not what the band plays.

Their masks never budge
Their costumes are immaculate
No one appears to be host,
Is the party running itself?

Death appears before me
His face stuck smiling
He approaches me swiftly
And through his smile he speaks:

From dawn til noon til dark
Dancing is all they know
Flowing fields of empty husks
Or a river that doesn't flow.

As he spoke the room disappeared
And I was in an empty theater
Although I was alone
Actors were on the stage.

The only lights were onstage
And the play had started
Long before I had arrived
With no indication of ending soon.

All the actors were zealous
As if they had played these
roles their whole lives.
Clearly, though, were they actors.

Death appears before me
A black figure in darkness
Deeply blacker then the darkness
And again to me he spoke:

Pay the price for admission
Pay the price for concession
Never bother with permission
Never bother with the lesson

Save the knife for the third act
Don't climax in the second
In every scene keep your tact
And avoid the lights that beckon.

Suddenly, and without knowing
Him and I were on the stage
His face no longer the familiar
No skull was staring at me

Something indescribable and unknown,
He evoked no fear.
The more I stood in his presence
the more I wanted to know.

Once again without knowing
I was in my chair, my room
The bottle of wine waiting for me
No time had passed since I left.

If I even left at all.
Already the events were fading,
The evening blurring away
Like so many passed days.

Slumber didn't come that night.
Death's face stays prominent.
And the blackness of his eyes
Will forever stay in mine.

Colossus

2007-05-19T08:13:00.000-07:00

Half-finished
The bare parts of the frame twist and stares down at me
It's empty ghost eyes looking straight through me
Burning
But no doubt or fear can stop this now.

The whirlwind in my mind
caused by the day all fell out from under me
Blew together the blueprints for this monument
A statue of Phobetor
Whose face, at times, resembled Arion or Paris
before setting in clear
Frozen behind my eyes

Although, in my heart I feel more inclined to honor Calypso or Biblys
Unfortunate ones
Cursed to love
And to die of grief

But what burns in my heart doesn't bleed from my pens
And the statue sits clearly in my mind.

It is finished!
Two years young
When it is tore down by an earthquake
Thrown backwards into the harbor
Forever drowning
Staring up at the endless sky
Endlessly

The ruins of something great
(or, maybe) the ruins that became something great.

The Face I Trust (doesn't belong to you)

2007-05-18T10:32:00.000-07:00

Goodbye.
Sorry.

I wish I could stop hurting the few people who do care for me
And murder
drink the blood
Of those treacherous many who wear the masks of brothers.

But wishses don't come true.

The scars and burns from switching between your many masks are glaring and apparent
And I don't
can't
comprehend how you think you can lie between your teeth to me here
where we lived and died together.

Dry your tears
I can't stand seeing you this way.
It's hard enough digging myself out of the grave
that's been calling to me for so long
And when we finally met
It took all the strength I had left to come join you,
but I joined you
Despite it all.

So please smile.

Blear

2007-05-17T10:56:00.000-07:00

Their jagged and blurry faces haunt me everywhere I go
Everywhere I go they're there.

The graffiti on the walls is faded
the paint is weathered
The skies are grey

Panic fully devours me as I look outside, then back to the mirror.
Back and forth
over and over
Again and again

Will I ever look like them?
Did they ever look like me?

My pale ugly face shows everything I am.
Theirs show nothing.

I can't stand them smiling at me.
Blurry and jagged.

So I run
As far as I can.
Before I hit the ground,
and can't get up.

Someone offers me a hand.
I look up, through the dirt and humiliation
And see a clear, smiling face.

So I take her hand
And she helps me up
As a crowd of the faceless gather and watch.

Before she leaves she says she's smiling for me.

After she's gone I feel the grey sky turn to black
the faceless stop staring
My panic goes away.

She said she was smiling for me.
If I stopped and thought about it for the rest of my life I could never reason why.

Laughable Eternal Miseries

2007-05-16T10:03:00.000-07:00

It's funny isn't it?
When a professional blows it.

Walking this thin razors edge has never been mastered,
so I don't know what's so funny.

If you want something to laugh at, let it be the irony.

How no one watches until you want to end the show early
Then, suddenly, they love it.

Not because they learned to appreciate it, but because they don't want you taking something away from them.

Like a child and his favorite toy, no matter how old and broken.

Some things just need to be thrown away.

Salmon

2007-05-15T11:54:00.000-07:00

We're foolish for trying to swim upstream,
the green grass and blue waters just aren't for us.

Murky, muddy water is better than none.
It's not like fish can drown, anyway.

A Portrait Painted on the Back of a Notebook

2007-05-14T17:41:00.000-07:00

Beautiful.
Intricate.
The simple mathematics behind it doesn't add up to fear.
But fear comes easily when something can destroy so quickly everything you take for granted and didn't earn.
So keep it in the right hands and hope it never has to be used.
And respect it for what it is.

I'm Losing You

2007-05-12T13:52:00.000-07:00

The rows of endless staring eyes offer no solutions
And I seem to be the only one who can see the trail your feet leave as they drag you to your shallow grave.

All I'm asking is that you try to look a little more graceful as you completely destroy me.

You wanted an image, not a man. So please try to keep yours up to par.

But it all seemed so real.
So real indeed..

I forgot I was watching a play

The actors left at intermission and didn't let the audience in on the joke.
Thats so typical of that type.

Oh, I've lost my ticket.
I'm being kicked out.
I'll never know what the joke was now, unless I hear it from someone else.

It does save me the trouble of sitting through all the play,
but I really rather liked this one even though I felt stiff and strangled in the suit I was wearing.

It's a shame I'll only get to wear it this one time.

No Parole

2007-05-07T18:13:00.000-07:00

Bred from bad genes
Raised on bad blood

Stop the one-sided awkward conversation, I'm not going to talk back no matter how much you ramble on.

Why haven't you died yet?!
You were supposed to have died...

I turn to them, but they're all turned in to each other.
As always
You get to run to their arms

But I get to run to

Dead ends
Decaying walls
Desolation

I'm too tired to run
Your self-destructive nature in me has tired me out
Don't you have somewhere to go, very far away?

Of course not.
Never.

I end up at an alleyway. Somehow.
I did not need to come here to be backed into a corner.
But habit is nature, conscious or not.

On the middle wall the most beautiful B in the world has been spray-painted on, with a message under it saying 'today is your day'.

Today is my day
Today is my day

To fall
so far
From the brink of existence
into the depths of insanity

And the last tear I ever shed was for myself.

A Prayer Before I Die

2007-05-04T21:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Lord I'm sorry I never believed in you
I couldn't, with all you make us go through
Only now will I pretend, because who else do you send a prayer to?

I'm sorry my life is full of regret, I'm sorry I couldn't have been daring
I'm sorry I've only befriended monsters, and not those saintly or caring

If in all the lies you are the truth, then why do you judge so quickly?
Surely I could not have deserved so early a life so sickly

Will this answer all my questions, fill in all the unknowns?
Will I be able to review my life? To witness and to roam?

I'm sorry I did not say goodbye to my friends, I'd wait until they said goodbye back
It's better if this is done silently, don't let it throw them off track.

Don't let them feel any guilt, or any sorrow.
Do not let them ache that I won't be here tomorrow.

Please let this be a blessing, a release that's free and painless
Please don't ruin anything pristine, let my blood be stainless

With this, let me rise, let me escape and fly away
Let me finally have a life that I look forward to every day.

The Great

2007-05-03T14:32:00.000-07:00

In the bleak grey morning hours I feel my heart burn it's brightest
As it burns it cracks
and breaks

Thick dark grey columns of smoke flood out

And I hang my head in defeat.

It seems like years of hope have passed
Since I last looked up and saw you.

But you didn't offer your hand to lead me out of this smoky trap
Only in mutual friendship

That vaguely offers solace to the survivor of the wreck inside me

You needed help moving a mountain
Because it was in your way

So we put ourselves together and moved it

Now people look up to us like we're something great.

Don't they see the smoke in my eyes?
Is the crowd that deaf to the silent cries of help echoing underneath my voice?
Do they not feel in my handshakes the loose grip I have on the world?

Forget being something to somebody
I want to be somebody to me.

Prison

2007-05-02T10:11:00.000-07:00

As you ride down the avenues and boulevards you can see the chain-linked fences and barred windows.

The neighborhood loses it's charm.
And you wonder if those are houses or prisons.

They're neither.

They're little sanctioned off sanctuaries.

The world is a prison
And we all do what we have to til our time is up.

There are those scared to leave their cells
Staying inside as much as possible
Peeping out through their curtains.
Getting what little view they can of things.

You can't expect anything from those here
Only a swift, strong stab in the back
And a 'fuck you' as you're pushed to the ground

Most here are idiots
Self-worshippers
Indulgence chasers who leave more loose ends then stepped-on shoelaces

They'll never get it
They'll just wander the yard
Doing whatever they can

Until they pull a trick on the wrong lifer
And are beat to death

Hoping, as he pummels them
That they'll learn something from this before they die.

But, as the scoreboard shows, little can be learned by those so ignorant of sacred idols and death.

Tapping at the Window

2007-05-01T10:31:00.000-07:00

Laying down
Shuffling back and forth between restless sleep and waking nightmares

The multitude of voices singing a lullaby in my head was abruptly,
violently
replaced

Screams and threats

Whispers and pain,
terror

What new abomination was -

Cold sweat awakes me.
(2:32 A.M.)

A ticking voice urges
forces
Me out of my bed

Outside there are two groups standing
silent

Watching
Waiting

The quiet clammoring voices in my head are making less and less sense.

I look at both the groups
Both seem secretly eager to have me join
Both seem at odds with each other.

Both their leaders are wearing roses, pinned to their shirts-

A rose.

Which could have been beautiful the rest of it's life
Was used to be someone's accessory for a day.

I want a hand in neither group
or their schemes.

But they insist,
and pick apart whatever of me they can get
then leave.

But I can still hear their voices in my head.

The Last Dance For Tonight

2007-04-30T10:35:00.000-07:00

What a fall,
from joy to death
And the pity for those who have.

At a dance club
A fire started
In the confusion the real reason was lost

All we have are a bunch of theories.

It spread quickly.

Thick black smoke
and surrounding strong flames.

Many choked
Many trampled
Many buried

I asked a man, some months later
who had been there
Who had burns over most of his body.
Who had survived

How did he get so lucky.

He simply laughed:

Ha ha ha, no.

No.

The lucky ones died.

Value

2007-04-29T11:28:00.000-07:00

Hello.
And,
Goodbye.

Let's leave it at that.
Before it becomes foul, and spoils us both.

There are plenty of other sad young men who would love your company.
But I'm afraid I'm one who is simply best alone.

I wish I could say it was some kind of love or tragedy that made me this way.
But as far as I remember, it's just who I am.
And there's something about me that always keeps a person or two like you around.

There is nothing great.
No good luck charm
No spasm of my brain.

Just a lot of time counted and spent.
And this was all I could buy.

Good to be seeing you

2007-04-28T11:51:00.000-07:00

You're glad to see me?
I'm glad to be seen.

Although I'm afraid I can't talk right now
I'm busy trying not to kill myself.

This is a very flat town,
there are no hills or cliffs.
It adds to the dreariness.

I'm not very fond of bridges either.
There's nothing wrong with being picky.

Oh, this?
It's just a little cut.
A design.
Something a little more eloquent than just screaming Fuck The World!

It has been a very long time, hasn't it?
Very long.

Time is very funny like that..
How nothing ever seems to happen
but a few, select moments will live forever.

Where does it all go?
More importantly,
where does it all come from?

I wish I could say I'm doing as well as you are.

Lately, everything and everyone I turn to conjurns this sick feeling in my stomach and I must look away..
I can't bear it.

Must you be leaving so soon?
It feels like we just got here
or that you never left.

Both.

It feels like both.

Yes, I must be going too.

Thief

2007-04-27T01:31:00.000-07:00

Arms
dead
Swaying limply in the evening breeze
They've let go of everything they used to hold
But not by choice, of course.

Perverts and sadists
Jackals and hyenas
Sit on the couch with me in this smoke filled room

The screams and struggles are nowhere to be seen or heard
Not in this den.
This din.

They're just playing it cool until they get their chance
To bend me over
Come inside
Take everything but the kitchen sink
Because, honestly, what can you do with a kitchen sink?

...

They take it anyway.
I'm starting to think it's not what they take that they like,
just the taking itself.

A flash of pain

2007-04-26T10:17:00.000-07:00

Painful flashes in my mind
Their smiling faces
and joy.

Wasted moments of life
Spent days of time

Accumulated loneliness

At least with that I have something to show for all I've done
And all I haven't.

Unlike those who awake every day
and like a TV show
Spend all their time solving a problem that gets them nowhere
They're just the same as when the show started.

Unwanted friendship
Unread verses
The painful flashes stop me.
momentarily

But I get up with twice the energy
Because hate is quite a motivator

And unlike hope it never lets you down
It only leaves you wanting more

When you're starved for simple courtesy and respect
Wanting more is no new pain.

Integrity has leaked out of the holes in all their legs
And to feed their hunger they eat you more and more
And you are less and less

Painful flashes
Painful bites

Eating my flesh and bone

I remember when you were happy to see me,
for me.

Not for what you've become to feed off what I've become.

The bane of waves

2007-04-25T21:34:00.000-07:00

Tumultuous
and undulating
Waves of hate and love
Why can't I control them?
Send them where they need to go

The love, to me
The hate, to you
You make me sick
Sick of myself

Flaking and rotting flesh drops down in pounds
Pulling teeth
It seems like nothing to you
Just a small piece of me

But every time you do it-

The pain

Oh, the pain

These waves and tides of emotion
Unseen
Unexpressable

A blast to my head is the appropriate exclamation point needed in this story to capture the reader's attention

If only someone would pick up the book.

A quick piece of advice

2007-04-24T10:45:00.000-07:00

One day we'll look back on this and laugh
Let's laugh now!

It's pretty funny.

Us, ever growing together
We'll only grow apart.

Although, your lies were sweet.
I'll give you that.

To save a life

2007-04-23T19:22:00.000-07:00

In the emergency room
Bleeding
Torn apart

Chunks of flesh and bone missing

Gone
Lost forever

The paramedics and doctors piece her back together
Stitches and glue
Artificial parts used to replace what's missing

To salvage
What was a body
What was a life

When she awakens
Teary-eyed
Disorientated
Miserable
Screaming from a mouth wired shut
to end her
That she doesn't want to be alive

They'll tell her to calm down
It'll be alright
It'll get better with time

But that day never comes
Or it never feels like it does

Because as the days go by
The missing pieces are still missing

You can feel the unnatural, man-made parts inside of you
The best effort we have at trying to make up for it

And if the 'better day' does come
The skin grows back
You smile

No one but you will know
But you'll always know.

Diamond

2007-04-22T19:40:00.000-07:00

The diamond in the rough
Hidden where no one would expect it
Far from the diamond mines where all the others are dug up from.

Buried deep underground where they don't have the chance to shine or be shone off
By the person who knows how best to wear it

The diamond in the rough
Just like all the other diamonds
The many, many diamonds
That are all almost exactly the same

No one cares where it came from
How it was formed

Just as long as it's a diamond.

Crimson Dead

2007-04-21T11:15:00.000-07:00

You don't deserve to wear the color of passion:
We can easily see what a cardboard cut-out you are

Mass-produced
Easily destroyed

A copy of something real
Minus everything that makes it real

You decided you could be it one day

But no matter how far you go you'll never reach our homeland
Bred evil
Burning deep with hatred

Minds that stopped developing when their fathers first hit them
Hearts that stopped beating when they first felt cold steel

Strong and helpless
Vengeful ghosts of murderers filled with more agony and spite then those they slew.

You say you're ice cold
Ice melts

And we do nothing all day but go around playing with fire
We love the burn

Stop now, while you're only a joke
Because death comes for everyone
And he asks us the way.

Graffiti

2007-04-20T10:52:00.000-07:00

Onto paper or pavement I let my soul bleed
Spill from my wrists a different kind of blood
Blood people stare at a little longer
Before they wash it away.

The words and pictures inside anxiously tumble about
Screaming in that pathetic way

A bird being dragged away by a tarantula
To be eaten
Wings flopping helplessly against the ground
Strange black eyes that no one can understand
But pain shines brightly out of them.

Bleed dry.
Bleed to death
It won't.

Dripping and dismal

A bloody mess of an eternal soul in eternal suffering.

Party Next Door

2007-04-19T12:35:00.000-07:00

There's no point in closing the doors.

I can hear the screams and giggles perfectly where I am.

It's dark all around this place but the windows let in just enough light to show those same, bright eyes.
The same concerned voice.

But every time I see your face it's different.
And it's not a trick of the light.

I can hear the dancing when I'm asleep
The laughter that comes with a waltz

Wait until I'm dead, at least, before you dance on my grave.

Every morning after when I wake up I feel like spitting in your face.
Spitting all the tears I've shed for you
And your idle friendship
Always out with someone else
Dancing

Tapping your feet until my dreams turn nightmares
And my nights turn sleepless
And I scream out all I want to say
that I can't say to your face

Because you wouldn't answer my call, anyway.

I just murmur wherever I go
All the things that should happen

Murmur until my mind breaks
And I stop
And stare into that nothing that surrounds us everywhere.

It won't notice,
no matter how long I stare

Because it's not there. It's nothing.

I'm just too dead to realize it.

Burnt

2007-04-18T10:52:00.000-07:00

Get me out of this fucking madhouse!

I can't stand this zombie anymore
Mumbling. ALWAYS MUMBLING!

I thought those doomed to isolation at least got the joy of silence.

Beat down
Broken
My mind is GONE

I run out into the night
(although there isn't anywhere to run to)

I run until I feel terror
An immobilizing terror

I am frozen in my tracks

A black figure
Immobile
Stands in front of me?

A flame? Licking the night air

A black flame
creating darkness
not light

Hypnotized by it's quiet, threatening presence

I run back

Back to the caves
The dangers
The dregs

Back to a pit in Hell
Back to the zombie.

Because there will never be anywhere but here.

The things that are/n't there

2007-04-17T11:02:00.000-07:00

In his eyes were held all the pain of the world.

The beauty of a tear.
The abundance of sorrows.

The black hand of death gripping people by the throat.

Surely, he could not be alone in what he beheld.

But the eyes of all those around him showed the truth
the ignorance
A lucky filter erasing the writing on the walls and the faces.

He could only talk to an empty canvas
bringing new people to life from the pains he saw everywhere
everyday

The canvas never talked back, though.

The bottle was a different person
his mouth was always open
Spewing the same thing for a while, then changing his tune
but only a little bit.

He wandered around the same four rooms
Looking for something he'd never find
Something that didn't exist.

Something he wanted to paint into existance and show the whole, wide world

Time passed by
it fell like sand from a broken hourglass

And his friends melted into murky waters that he couldn't keep in his hands.

Staying sober was far too much work for no pay off.
And his canvas caused more pain then pleasure.

Without his art he was but good burning wood
So he burnt himself

(but what he saw was worth more than wood)

The beauty of a tear
So many fell from his face

Never to be appreciated by those with the lucky filters
The eyes that see it day to day

But never see it at all.

Little Square Rooms

2007-04-16T11:13:00.000-07:00

H A P P Y

Nope!
Prison grey
Asylum yellow

The fluorescent lights make an endless simple pattern until they are stopped, abruptly, by the wall

The clocks hang at a slight tilt
looking down their noses at us poor drones that are their slaves

Don't say my name with joy in your voice
It doesn't belong here
This giant, empty room

Betrayed by a...
betrayed by nothing.
The outside is as uninspired and vampiric as the inside is.

Drive out
When the world has closed
And only the slaves like you are awake as well

Drive out into that blackness

But don't drive too far
You have to be back tomorrow.

Scimitar

2007-04-15T11:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I fell asleep
And never woke up

The nightmares that pursue me here are exotic and exaggerated
And the endless anguish and pain makes sense
As the beasts trample me, pin me down
Grin
Showing their sticky fangs that are ready to eat me alive

But, like when I'm awake, they never do it

And I continue to wrestle with those grinning, massive demons until they win
Or I finally wake up.

Comes Around

2007-04-14T15:02:00.000-07:00

What goes around?
Hate? Misfortune? Stress?

They never leave
And are like good neighbors
always lending and giving
Even if you don't want anymore.

Love does not go around.
It is shot off in the dark at others who duck and hide from every bullet that comes their way.
But they'll shoot you, first chance they get, and leave you bleeding in misery on the ground
Stand over your body and smiles, "stupid fool! He loves me!"
And leave your life forever then.

What does go around?
When does it come back again?
How would we know?

Laugh now
Cry later
the masks said

Or, at least, someone tattooed it on their faces.

Let's fix it
Again and again and again
Before the weather turns bad this year.

River of Saints

2007-04-13T12:46:00.000-07:00

Stumble around, half-dead
Beaten numb by the unending trials and torment
Breathe in the poisonous air
Thick and fatal

Let your eyes water at the feeling
They can't think any less of you then they already do.

A body built wrong
Assembled ineptly
Falling apart more and more the further it goes down the road
Winding it's mismatched gears too tight
Until it breaks down entirely
And can never be salvaged

It's too late now
Far too late
I discovered the difference between what I've always been taught and what I've learned along the way
And if I learned anything it's that people can accept tragic things that happen to them but not tragic things they chose
So don't point them out.
Just talk about them behind their back.
Cause they do the same to you

Oh, blessed waters of the sewer pipes!
Cleanse our spirits!
Save our souls!

Melt the two faces into one.

And clean their ears
So they can hear the wailing of the phantoms
And maybe learn a thing or two.

And while you're there shed a tear for those who fell, unknowingly, like statues

And I could do nothing but watch as all their beauty and grace shattered into rubble on impact

Never to be that great again
But still made of stone
So the blind coult not tell the difference.

Window Without A Room

2007-04-12T00:26:00.000-07:00

Burning up
In a room that's burning down.

Down
Drown.
Sink.

Into the watery nightmare world where the ugly sea creatures live.

Custom dictates everything unpleasant be put out of sight.

Out of sight, out of mind

But the craziest people walk proudly in broad daylight
Because ugliness is easy to hide these days.

I saw soul make-up at the mall the other day.

And some of those seude shoes, that look like sneakers

Look at that!
The price just tripeled!!!

Wasn't that the same corporation that sponsored an independent musicians concert tour?

Who's in bed with who here?
And why are those around me still sleeping in alleys and parks?

If all you need is to sell your soul to get it all why isn't everyone rich?

There must be something else to it.

One of those plot twists that'll piss us off because "(we) could've thought of that"

But talking and walking are two different things.

Why do the two never go together?

Someone always walks too fast, or slow
And eventually the gang falls apart.

Perhaps, someday, the ends will justify the means
Plead their case
Prove innocence through justifiable homicide.

Suicide.
Victimless crime.

Are they ever really victims if they never know it?

Or are they just more fortunate then the ones that do?

I never said the world would end

2007-04-11T11:18:00.000-07:00

The purple flowers disappeared from my garden.
I saw their empty spot the morning after
Right next to the white flowers that never grew

O, misery!

Then hope. Then misery again.

I look to the endless sky.

Hoping that it's vast emptiness will speak to mine.

But it stays silent
Because silence is usually the best answer for everything.

I lower my eyes
to the dirt

Always walked on, but hardly appreciated
(why is dirt brown? no one asks)

And in the dirt my tears find their final resing place
As many others do

Lost, underground, with poorly kept monuments to constantly remind people that they lived.

No obituaries for my tears.
They fall willingly
As far as they can

Racing the fall of all that's good inside of me.

Hope falls twice as fast as misery
And seven times faster than tears.

Through blurry vision I look at the sky
and see the purple star I've heard of

That is supposed to link your life to you

it faded in the distance.
away from me.

Making the night sky around it even darker.

Misery,
who loves company
But company will never love it back

And the others say to let it go (goodbye, love)
It'll be alright (it's alwrong, me)
You're making too big a deal of it (it's only pain)
That it's not the worst thing in the world (oh, yes, it is)

No, when she left the world didn't end
But everything inside of me did.

swan song

2007-04-10T00:31:00.000-07:00

Sloppy and distraught,
The world is droughted with pain

The blackest clouds float above me
Opressive
Heavy on my shoulders

The clouds lighten up in the distance
but they are still black or grey.
Just a little bit lighter.

I'm thirsty, and hungry, and tired.
And the constant noise in my ears is driving me insane.

That stupid ringing a car makes when you leave the keys in the ignition.
Heaven forbid you just want the door open and radio on on a hot day.
Heaven forbid any of it make sense.
Heaven forbid.

Hopeless.
No more faith or perserverance

If the world cannot hear my pain the world will feel it.

How do I differentiate the innocents from those that deserve to die?
To burn for eternity
If only in my mind

Because there are too many politics involving Heaven and Hell.

Reincarnation
The worst of punishments

An old soul in a new body
With a new life to endure.

So, to hell with this!

Arm me to the teeth.

Pieces of metal shot out or sharpened
infused with my hate

Those .38 bullets will feel like 38 bullets

And I'm going to rid this world of enough of it's demons before I am tore down
by the metal bits of justice

So the other sorrowful, soulful ones like me can breathe a little easier when they cry themselves to sleep at night.

Remember me, and my pain
Or remember yours and their pain.

Just always remember.

She Knows

2007-04-09T00:01:00.003-07:00

I decided to tell her
To dig up the past and show her the ruins of love and hope

Excavating only rotten corpses and severed heads

I wept at my pitiful attempt to do what I believed to be right.

Only those images of the horrible dead will stay in her mind.

Bury me
Please
Into this dirt that knows me vile

Or dig up what I said
Tell me

I remember nothing in the blackness
The Abyss

No guts, no glory
And no canned courage can replace the real thing

Talk to me again
Me
Not the pathetic child I try to hide
The pathetic child I am.

I feel sorrow on an entire, ethereal level.

From my pains that no one needed to know

Possessed by the green light on the other end of the bay

Pain
Buried alive
Came to join us once again

That look in her eyes

Not looking at me

Her voice..

these are only words
and they'll never have the power to express the pain I caused her.

I have to go now.

Can I borrow your pistols for my journey?
I'll only fire them once.

Old Magic

2007-04-08T00:46:00.000-07:00

Where is the person at that I can hold hands and talk to?

I love my friends, and they're great.
But they don't have the magic that blankets my soul in these winter storms.

Summer storms.

Bad weather seems to follow me regardless.

Could you be that person?
With your green eyes and blonde hair?

No.

No.

As I look deeper in your eyes I see the love and kindness, but not the understanding.

That understanding that brings that magic.

That ol' voodoo
That'll cure my soul.

Student Visa

2007-04-07T00:18:00.000-07:00

I feel you as a stain on my mind.
Unsightly and disgusting.

A flash of shame comes up every time someone notices it.
And I can look back on the day it happened and point out my idiotic moves that lead to it happening in the first place.

Go away.
Never come back.

There are lines for everybody and when you cross them you're in a whole new country.

Foreign and aloof.

You, not the country.

It's you that doesn't belong.
You were never supposed to come here, but you did.

Learn the language.
Learn the customs.

Maybe you'll blend in one day.

But don't expect a passport.

Someone else's prom night

2007-04-06T00:12:00.000-07:00

Your smell, and body pressed against me
Erases everything else in the world but us.

The only actual fulfilling feeling
The only happiness I've ever known.

But you're not mine.
I'm not anybody.

And you'll be on your own way soon enough.

I'll be left here, again.

On my own way.

Although, for the life of me, I don't know which way that is.

It seems so simple on paper.

Boy and girl next to each other, both are happy.

But you rarely ever see the simplest things in real life.

It's like they're only folk lores used to trick kids
Because no one feels it right to show them just how barren life really is.

So simple on paper
Just slay the dragon and the world is saved and everyone is happy

If slaying a dragon were the only of our problems.

Cross Traffic

2007-04-05T01:25:00.000-07:00

I'm tired.

These endless back-streets all look the same after a while,
but the traffic on the main streets is too ridiculous to deal with.

United under one banner, with ignorance and hatred for all.

Unifier.

What a joke.

Run that red light
Let the cross-traffic tear you apart.

Or, run it for thrills.
Maybe you'll make it.

I pulled over and parked, on a back street somewhere.

From my position I could see many crosses scattered across the city.

All crosses. Yet none believe in the same thing.

The sight made me resolute.
Is this how a man who is about to die feels?

No emotion at all. But entirely confident in the nothing before him.

How many more times are you going to cut me off before one of us swerves and crashes?

A deep thought seems to have been asked, pondered and answered in my head without me knowing it.

Knowing nothing about it.

Drive on, past all those buildings. Not knowing what they are or what they're for.

Drive on until you reach that cross that you bear best.

Suicide

2007-04-04T00:05:00.000-07:00

Pump-action at it's finest
My head is blown clean off

With that eruption of sound I am stamped out of this world and free from it's miseries.

I reawake
And my entire head feels like a fresh, infected cut
sticky and damp
As if a sibling licked it to add to your pain.

My throat is very dry
Like a desert wind had full access to it
And the particles of sand get drier the longer they're stuck to the flesh of my esophogas.

All around me is dark, and cold.

A blue, chalky mist is in the not-so-distant distance
And something about it reminds me of the smile of a voyeur who knows that something very nasty is about to happen to you.

The hot, dull pain that is my head throbs with every step I take
But there is no point in waiting because I know, here, it'll never go away.

All is blackness
Yet every step I take is perfect
And I can make out objects in the distance as if they were only in the distance, not enclosed by that solemn, lonely color.

I see many floating about me
laying as if they were in a coffin

Expressionless
Sublime

A cold gut feeling pains me as I walk past them

Whispers of pain float into my ears
Hollow murmurs of dying in your sleep
Slowly being strangled by ghost hand.

My head feels moist now
My limbs feel drained of all matter
Equal to straws still in their wrappers

I start to drink the blackness
Or it starts to overtake me

I feel a quench
Traveling from the appendages to my core

Wetting my throat
Cooling my head

My essence lights up
I feel joys
True joys
Like those seldom felt when I was alive
Untangle and spread throughout me.

All the bodies here disappeared.

The mist is only a speck in the horizon.

Like the dropping of a coin
I hear a clink
And nightmares envelop me

The worst moments of my life play over and over again
faster and faster
Like lightning and blinking eyes racing

My body spins
naseua pain silence terror

Forceful invisible jabs
hurl me into the furthest part of this oblivion

Where I've been floating ever since.

I wish I had something to kill myself with.

12 Gauges

2007-04-03T00:01:00.000-07:00

You spent all those years being selfish and now you want me to throw my shotgun away?

It was hidden behind the sheets-
In the corner

Somewhere where it could just be alone.

You had to go looking for it to find it.

And that's just what you did.

Greasy fingers with greasy minds behind them play in the grit and grime
But avoid the dirt as much as possible

No one likes dirty hands.

Just wipe them on someone a little lower than you.

And when someone finds those secrets that just want to be left alone
Push comes to shove
And either the secret comes to light or the accuser falls into darkness

Lost and forgotten.

Misplaced in the dirt
And buried

And the greasy mind with his greasy hands and rows of endless shark teeth swallows more chum from the bucket.

Accuser

2007-04-02T00:00:00.000-07:00

UGLY
with hate

Face red and distorted

All remnants of what I once was has burned away

Break their glass
Crush their bricks

Make them eat the dust
As I cut their faces with the shards

Choke the sky with smoke
Drown with blood the town

No fury
No spite

Only a being
Created to destroy
Destroy all

Only when the world burns up around me will the flame be big enough to consume my wretched soul

Places With No Name

2007-04-01T11:25:00.000-07:00

Tunnels run under all of us.
Winding and dropping

Twirling and twisting over and over

Never starting and never ending

Never going anywhere.

A rotten and tattered corpse
naked
Ripped in half
Torn away below the torso

Gasps and writhes

Flopping and crawling for whatever ground it can gain.

Ignorant of it's eternal dilemma

To crawl about the tunnels forever

In the darkness
With his pain
Alone.

Yet, he does crawl on.

Perhaps if he had a companion she could show him his errors.
The never-ending maze.

They'd dig up
And find the rest of the world in awe of what they did,
who they are
and where they came from.

Or, perhaps, they'd sit and do nothing forever.

But he doesn't have that option
luxury

Only to crawl on in his own way
through tunnel after tunnel.

Case In Point

2007-03-31T00:00:00.000-07:00

3 shotgun shells and 1 cigarette make good decorations for a room.

I don't know if I'm more drunk or depressed and which one is giving in to which.

I'm trying hard to write it all down coherently, but trying your hardest doesn't guarantee succeedenind.

Succeeding.

Stress lays on thick.
Crushing and smothering. Deprived of sleep.

Insanity has come and gone
I am in a realm of it's own design
Miserable beyond all words

Limits beyond time and space.

Their minds punish me, unknowingly.
Thinking the thoughts they think

There's no place like home
But home is nowhere.

I've got to find this nowhere people speak about with sad sighs.
Those sighs that have the faint odor of the lastest designer drug.

I find it funny that the only way to ease a mind is to destroy it.

Glory, glory

2007-03-30T00:02:00.000-07:00

Glory achieved.
Happiness accompanied.

The moment of triumph
Preceeded by the actions of valor and courage.

The crowning achievement
(minus the crown)

And the glory unto only himself.

Standing tall on the mountain overlooking the world though he is but working lowly as many others do.

Days go by
The moment is but a memory
No longer a living, breathing thing.

He basks in it, still
As pride is strong and never dies.

Yet the moment passes further and further away.

And of doing something great he would rather've not
As now it feeds away at him.
More each day.

The glory can never be recaptured.
And there seems no point to have lived in a moment of gold and azure and not to have died then, happiest
Then drag on downhill into rust and dirt.

The world seems slow and uneventful around him
Slowing down more each day.

The aftertaste of victory bitters everything he tastes and does.
And nothing more can sasiate his thirsts.

Kiss Me

2007-03-29T00:23:00.000-07:00

Passion bursting in my lips
Uncontrolable as they thirst, and strive
for the touch of yours.

Tease me
Though it's unbearable
And sends my nerves to the heights of tension and recklessness

Aromas and skin
lovely and soft
Yearning and craving

Sensation nibbles away at patience
And I can see in your smile that you love every moment of it.

That you love me.
That I love you.

Comission

2007-03-28T12:04:00.000-07:00

Born into a deep struggle

Addiction and violence come with breath and feeling.

Disadvantaged and impoverished you need hate to keep you warm and sorrow to cool you down.
No fear of anything to lose and no knowledge of anything better.
Just an undying, restless hunger that you must indulge or be driven insane by.

Ambition, made fiercer by despair will get Armani from Axe and a G Wagon from a Grand Am
It's not getting the best it's doing the best with what you got

Although all your shortcomings laugh at you, when introduced.

Keep working, and lying to yourself and saying one day it'll be better and you'll get this that and the other

Let it consume you.

Or the anger will be free, from the holes in your soul and everything you never had will be everything you take away.

A Clock With Wings

2007-03-27T00:24:00.000-07:00

The hours are painful. Digging in and dragging on.
never ending

Never ending.

The hours turn into weeks and the weeks fly away
Fly far away
out of sight.

Like they never happened at all.

No fulfillment comes here. All the schooling, the high salaries, pictures painted, cars rebuilt, vacations taken, games won or movies filmed can bring it to this spot.

It's a place all to my own. Restless. Tired.

Living in a paradox,
whatever living is supposed to mean.

True Love

2007-03-26T23:55:00.000-07:00

You love each other

But slowly insecurities nestle in your mind

And the little things start to drive you crazy.

You disagree

Play fight

Vent frustration

And blow it all aside.

Love grows
And every day is a good one.

Something in the way she smiles leads you to believe she cheated
And your less-than-yesterday embrace leaves her wondering why you don't want to touch her.

Months pass and as your love grows so does your unease.

You've never been in love before

But this all seems so wrong

Underneath the love is

Fear, guilt

And the pain of love
which runs deep and stings
cold and pitiless.

Before you realize it
You are twisted innumberable ways:

in love,
in pain,
in fear,
in hope

You are in love, and in pain
You cannot leave her, but you cant stand being with her

The thin layer of the love that is left is stretched onto a lake of sorrow and uncertainty.

You know that if you can both pass this you'll have the best love in the world.

Right?

You want to think so but it's only a front and your true emotions pour down and out and you and your love
And your lover
go separate ways.

And with all the time that's passed you can still hear her voice as you told her. As she cried no, honey no... and tears rolled down her face

As your heart sunk and dragged your eyes down with it
Too weak from what had just happened-

It'll play, now and then, in the back of your mind-

The amorphous pain of love that didn't live but wouldn't die.

Backseat Murder

2007-03-25T09:48:00.000-07:00

Oh, !

My body is

sore and fatigued

I regret putting myself through this

The pain

A knife

Cutting in

And I can feel its entire deadly trail

S
L
O
W
L
Y

Open my throat

Its dead

Something died

I feel the knife smiling

GP

2007-03-24T10:11:00.000-07:00

Dried coke itches my nose

Hydroplaning in a boat speeding past semis
and dreary outposts in the landscape

A black cloud swallows the whole sky

100's of lights pass by
Unmoving

I roll the window down at 80 to add to the rush.

Fighting for the control of the car
Rain drags me all over the highway

Nothing exists pasts 100 feet

The cars beside me are empty vessels
Driving off into oblivion.

Not I.
I am to be far removed

A whole new city.

Fuck a prostitute
Gamble, rob, pillage.

Leave everything in the city behind me

Get so far away I even forget myself

But I have to remember to wipe my nose sometime soon.

1022

2007-03-23T03:00:00.000-07:00

Thousands of thoughts slam into my mind
Setting themselves in stone
Imprinting into the same mould over and over and over again

Each thought hitting harder than the last,
until the stone crumbles.

Pieces and dust remain.

Flipping through the channels until a suitable show is on.
I wish life were this easy,
And it is.

Flip through the garbage until you find a suitable distraction.

A 22 minute escape from all thats dusty around you.

I want to do it all at once

NOW

6 directions at once.

Beat down
Advancing to no new stages
No higher levels

Refusing to accept the small victories for what they are.
Drinking to get drunk.

Instant gratification.

No purpose
patience

No virtues behind the body
No signs behind the symbols
No peace with a thousand thoughts slamming in your head.

Limbos In Limbo

2007-03-22T11:37:00.000-07:00

Limboing
upside down

The world spins around me

Black and white clash

Spilling grey
All the while in the space I am trying to limbo.

I lie to spare her feelings.

Either way I cannot win.

I lose to her
Or to myself.

Am I to give up on my dreams, time consuming
fruitless
Although the sapling grows in my heart?

To make a living
or to hang on to a poetic device
A tragic flaw

My hubris,
and my downfall

To be driven insane

The ways I love you

Passionate and unequaled.

But with rising love
so rises hate

Clear definitions of each.

Am I to dull one down, to calm the other?
And live a smooth and buttoned down life?

I hold on to it,
in the dark unknown

And try to escape the limbo

Will hope die in my arms with joy and fear
Or will the greys finally choose a side?